Never ending emotions

     Yesterday and today we took Monkey to the school district office for common core testing.  Any kind of testing makes him very anxious but at least now he tests in a room by himself.  He is also being evaluated by the school psychologist every time he is at the district, although he doesn't really know that.  He knows there is a lady that is in the testing room who writes stuff down, but he doesn't know what it is.  Monkey has spent the last 4 nights sleeping in our room because he just can't sleep through the night and that makes him very anxious.
     Today while sitting in the district office for his school we were approached by the school psychologist who requested a brief meeting.  She wanted to ask us, especially me (I teach him his lessons) what I see at home.  Talking about his many melt downs, vocalizations, twirling, frustration, anger, sadness, etc...caused me to break down.  So often I feel like I have in some way failed Monkey.  I feel that I must have done something to cause this, that if I had been better he would be okay.  I know, I know, he is okay and autism isn't the end of the world, but some days it feels like the end of the world. 
     Nighttime is a nightmare in my house.  As soon as the sun goes down Monkey gets VERY sad and weepy.  By the time he finishes his shower and bath and gets lotion rubbed on him he is in tears and asking/saying "Why was I born?"  "Why do you even love me?", "I hate myself", "I wish it were never bedtime!"  I feel so sad for him, nighttime is the hardest part of his day and nothing I do makes it a happy time.  Even if we do something special and it is getting late when we get home, the meltdown comes.  Once he goes to sleep it is short lived, he is up withing 3-4 hours and then wants to sleep in our room, which I know isn't good.  However, if I leave him in his room he will indeed be up for most of the night, which of course means that I am because I can't sleep until I know that he is.
     I know I am rambling here but I am trying so hard to make sense of it all, to separate what is autism behavior and what is Monkey testing the boundaries.  He is so smart that it is sometimes difficult to know when he is really needing the attention and really cannot help the way he is behaving and when he is just being defiant because he can be.  I often wonder if any other ASD moms and dads feel this way, or if I am just lost...